He's Just Not That Into You

I've read the book. Twice. I bought it once myself. Once my darling friend Amy gave me her copy, complete with highlights from her own experience. It's all true--words to live by. If you've somehow missed this oracle, I'll outline some of the chapters for ya: "He's Just Not That Into You If...He's Not Asking You Out, He's Not Calling You, He's not Dating You, He Only Wants to See You When He's Drunk, He Doesn't Want to Marry You," Yada, Yada, Yada. We know. We all know by now. None of us are stupid girls.



I also contend that the point of the book is not to focus on why he's not into you. That's a bit narcissistic. It doesn't matter. None of us are clairvoyant (well, except Mary Lou) and for all we know the reasons may have nothing to do with us. The point of the book is to snap, give a fabulous shake of the head, and say "Next, Moving On." Second chances may be acceptable someday, depending on circumstances. Maybe not. As the author so aptly puts it, "Don't waste pretty."



My focus tonight is to amuse you with my own FDD (Functionally Dating Disabled) stories of "He's Just Not That Into You." No mere lack of phone-calling for me, no ma'am. If there is a sir reading this, and I doubt it, never fear. You are not a culprit, and this is an indictment of my naivete, not man-bashing. I promise. Well, mostly :)



Here we go...

• If he puts a dip in when you are ready to "watch a movie"...he's not that into you.




• If he breaks up with you via email because he wants to date the cleaning lady...wow---should have put more stock into those cleaning lady stories.




• If you show up for what you think is a date, and he's with another girl...he's definitely not into you. Try not to make a scene.




• If he goes home with another girl(s) right before your very eyes... Stop talking to him, Stupid. He's not your friend.

• If he turns down courtside tickets to the UK--North Carolina game (Good UK. 2004 UK.)... He likes you about as much as a swarm of dust mites. Sad, but true.




• If he tells you stories about his gout/surgeries/dread diseases on the first date...well, perhaps he's not into you, perhaps he has very poor social skills. Either way.




• If he asks you to meet him, then doesn't remember who you are...he wasn't into you at all.




• If he flees through the back door when you turn your head...maybe it's time to reassess your skills. (I really think he batted for the other team.)




• If his phone is "broken" until game day when it mysteriously "fixes" just in time for him to call about basketball tickets...he's probably not into you. He's probably really into your little brother!


• If he's two hours late to pick you up for a first date...he's really not that excited about you. So when he wants to come in later for a drink/to listen to cds/because he really needs to go to the bathroom, the answer is "No." (See, sometimes I know.)
  

I hope I don't sound whiny. All of these lessons have made me smarter, although as I read through the book I realized I broke one of the author's cardinal rules just this week. Dammit. And guess what? He's just not that into me. Again.