Adventures in Little League

On Monday night Tyler and Dylan played in the semifinals of the Cal Ripkin division Little League tournament. Big stuff. I'm usually a very good Little League watcher. I'm nice to the children. First of all, it's in Glasgow. I know most of the children on the teams and I definitely know most of their parents. I just can't cheer against some little eleven-year-old who I've known since he was in diapers simply because he plays for the Little League Dodgers rather than the Little League Red Sox. Also, I'm a trained professional charged with the mental health of children. Therefore, I feel a responsibility not to damage it. That being said, I am generally encouraging and pretty quiet while attend the boys' Little League games. (There is the exception: we were playing a rival team in an out-of-town tournament. I sort of hit my hands against the aluminum bleachers. The ten-year-old pitcher was a child my grandmother used to babysit. Not my finest moment, okay.)

Well, on Monday we were playing Team Steroid. Seriously, these kids are bigger than their coaches. This just doesn't happen in nature. I really suggest drug testing. Team Steroid has beaten us four of four times this season (in foreshadowing, let's make it five.) Tyler was pitching. We, the Little League Red Sox, were up by three. The six-foot-four batter went to the plate and hit a home run. Things fell apart. Team Steroid batted around. When the six-foot-four batter came back up, Tyler intentionally walked him. Who could blame him? Not me.

Here is where things fall apart. The steroid parents began to heckle my Tyler. They began to call him things like "weak, " "meat," and "scared." The coach of Team Steroid started to tell his players things like, "Don't worry, you can hit Tyler. Just get up there and knock the cover off the ball." Tyler, being very sensitive, didn't handle this well, started crying, and took himself out of the game.

Because we lost, we had to play a double-header. In this game, Dylan hit a home-run. (I take full credit. The Big D and I have been going to the batting cages.)

Are you wondering why I can't go to Little League anymore? It's because I might have jumped around excessively and proclaimed my batting cage prowess during Dylan's home run. Dylan might have been playing against a friend's child's team. I also might have talked to one of the umpires about the Team Steroid heckling. (I went to high school with him. It was after the game. I thought maybe it would help.)

We've worked out our strategy for the championship game. Tyler is pitching. We have to play Team Steroid again. We've decided that when the heckling starts (because it certainly will), Tyler will just call time out and refuse to pitch until the umpire does something about it. If the umpire was being heckled, he would kick the offender out of the game. Why should the rules be different for a twelve-year-old? And I will come to Louisville and find out all about it via text message.