Dave's Incredible Pit of Money

As some of you may know, my cousin Dylan is staying with me for much of this summer. He is a good boy, but it is difficult entertaining an eleven-year-old in a four-room Highlands condo. We've been to Churchill Downs so much that the ushers know him by name. Dylan talked to D. Wayne Lukas last week, and he's mastered the new Matrix bet. Alas, the track closed on Sunday, so we had to make new arrangements. Luckily, my friends Christy and Jennifer allowed me to borrow their sons, Crews and AJ. Off we all went to Incredible Dave's.

This place is a kid wonderland. It has rock-climbing, bungee-jumping, some kind of trampoline basketball, a wii lounge, go-carts, a bowling alley, and every arcade game known to man. The boys were hungry, so before we could wreak havoc on Dave's we had to eat. Our waiter had the nerve to bring the kids menu. None of them were having any part of that. How dare the waiter insult their preteen stature by considering them children. Kid's menu, indeed. No, they needed to order the very same food from the adult menu and eat three bites. I remember doing the same thing at their age. Kid's menus are so demeaning....

After they ate I set the boys free. Incredible Dave's is the best babysitter (money nonwithstanding) known to man. I could stay at my table and watch tv while the boys ran around unsupervised. If they had CBS Daytime instead of all the ESPNs so I could check on Bill and Lizzie of Guiding Light, it would have been sheer bliss. Instead, I slipped right into a coma. I raised my hand occasionally to ask for more ranch for my cheese fries or to give the boys another $20 bill. Speaking on $20 bills, I think I've spent less money in a Vegas casino. And in the casino you get free drinks and possibly win your money back. All we won at Incredible Dave's was a rubber ducky wearing a baseball cap and a mini-ball bearing the slogan "The meek shall inherit the earth, but they won't get the mineral rights." Dylan was thrilled!

Unfortunately, my cheese fry coma was interrupted by the people who came to the table next to me. There is a strange phenomenon at Incredible Dave's of people bringing toddlers. I don't know why. I don't think they'll take up bungee-jumping or play a quick game of "Deal or No Deal." This particular group included a father, his friend, and twin girls who appeared to be not quite two. One of the twins was quiet, halo hovering inches above her head. The other twin was Rambunctious Twin. At first she stood in her high chair. Apparently Dad did not understand how to fasten the belt. After Rambunctious Twin attempted to step out of her chair a few times, Dad figured out the fastening. Then he began to mix what appeared to be rice cereal. Rambuctious Twin grew bored and threw Sweet 'n Low packets all over the floor. Dad began to feed her, but of course she was disinterested in the spoon and did not want to take turns with her sister, preferring to put her fingers in her bowl. She also had access to her own fork, which she found delightful. This was of particular fun when the adult food came and Rambuctious Twin could put her fork into the food of her Dad's friend. The adults were not speaking English, but the response to her actions was met with a slap on the hand and a guttural yell, followed by a wail from Rambunctious Twin.

It took every ounce of my restraint not to walk over and pull her chair away from the table. I know this trick. Dylan didn't sit any nearer than three feet from a table until he was about six. His little fingers were irresistably drawn to things like butter or ketchup. It's just much easier when busy little people can't reach things.

Luckily for me, the boys decided they were tired and ready to go fairly soon. Well, not Dylan. He's never tired. As we were leaving, several members of the wait staff were visiting my neighbors at their table. Farewell....